God Comforts Us So We Can Comfort Others

I submitted an article to Celebrate Life Magazine and it was published this month. It’s all about how God comforts us and we can share His comfort with others. It shares part of my testimony and some devotional thoughts.

It’s been nearly 8 years since we lost our youngest in miscarriage and God continues to comfort us as we comfort others. What a kind God!

I’d love you to read the article for yourself and pass it along to whoever needs it. You can find it HERE.

It also highlights the free 2-week devotional, so please pass that along to whoever needs it, as well!

If you are a part of a group of women who is interested in having me come and speak to your group in person or online, please let me know. I want to encourage and comfort as many mamas as I can! You can send me a comment on this blog, email me at trainingyourchild@gmail.com, or message me through my personal website: BethMeverden.com.

Thank you for your love and support for me, my family, and for all the mamas who need this message of hope!

Day 24 – Moving Forward (not Moving On)

Today promised to be a busy one with digging our church truck out of the snow, teaching Sunday school, and starting a new discipleship training study for our church. And smack dab in the middle of all of it is the time my husband & I have set aside to celebrate the life of our littlest one.

5 years ago on this day, we found out our baby’s heart was no longer beating. This year has been a VERY baby focused year. On our baby’s due date, we had a baby dedication at church for 3 new little ones which brought new life into our church and into our family! It was a very bittersweet (mostly sweet) day. I’ve enjoyed getting to know these little souls and praying their mamas through all the good and hard parts of parenting their individual children.

2 of my closest friends lost their babies within the same month and I’ve been walking through the awful with them. It has been absolutely terrible, but I realize that I am hurting for them and not hurting for me. It’s encouraging to see myself moving forward.

My husband just sat next to me while I was writing this to you. We started processing more of our sadness together. He said some very profound words (as usual) that I am going to try to summarize:

People are afraid to move on because it means we leave that thing behind and close the door on what it was or what it means. Staying and not moving forward means we are stuck in it and aren’t going anywhere with it or doing anything with it.

Moving forward, however, means exactly that – forward movement. We aren’t stuck where we are or leaving it all behind. It means that we choose to move forward with it. It doesn’t mean we can’t continue to process, but we move forward in what God has next for us in and beyond this pain.

Walking with others is part of moving forward.

It keeps us from being stuck and paralyzed. It also keeps us from totally moving on and forgetting what God has done and wants to do with that pain or loss. It helps us grab someone else’s hand and help them move forward through their pain and loss as we are moving forward through our pain and loss.

Sometimes it feels as though we must help others through their pain, so our loss means something. I want to help as many people as I can in this awful club with me. It won’t bring back my baby, but the pain will be worth something, the suffering will have meaning, and the hurt will have purpose. The truth is the baby’s life, all our babies’ lives are worth everything and mean so much no matter who else we help. But what a gift we have to give others… comfort. We can comfort others the way God comforted us. We can walk someone else through their awful and give God our trust and sadness… and theirs.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

The righteous keep moving forward, and those with clean hands become stronger and stronger. Job 17:9

My Prayer for you:

My prayer for you is that God will show you whose hand to hold to keep you moving forward and to help that person move forward.

A Prayer you Could Pray:

Dear Jesus, Sometimes I don’t want to remember what and who we lost. It hurts so much and the void is still there. Sometimes I don’t want to think about anything other than the little one we lost. Please help me move forward from being stuck and not just move on. Thank you that mourning is a process not just a checklist and you walk with me every step of the process. In Your Name, Amen

Things to Ponder, Pray and Journal:

• What questions do you have with God about moving forward?
• What is something you would like to move forward into?
• Who is someone in your life who needs you to take her hand and help her move forward from a loss (of a child, a relationship, a job, anything that has caused her pain)?

Day 22 – The Retired Jersey

Today our littlest one would have been 3-years-old if (she) had been born on (her) due date {which would have more likely have been tomorrow since my other 3 were all 40+1}. My husband and I took a couple hours to mourn together in our special place yesterday. It stings less, but it still stings…. 3. Years. Later.

It is like the 3rd day after you have scraped your knee and you don’t need a band-aid anymore, but you forget you are hurt and you bend down to grab something and you break open your scab and it stings again… even throbs. It’s healing. It’s better, but it’s still there. Still reminding me of the hurt.

I don’t mean to steal any hope from you ladies who are dealing with the loss of your little one more recently. Remember I have been mourning and processing for 3 years now. You may be reading this having been going through your grieving for a month or so or just a few weeks or even a year.

It’s a different kind of pain now. It’s not like a gushing wound you have to keep putting a fresh bandage on because it is bleeding so much. It’s not the throb of a concussion. It is now a healing scab. You can feel it, but you see it’s becoming more of a scar than an open wound.

I think most people would be surprised to know that we are still hurting over the loss of our little one. They would look at our owie and say, “It’s just a scrape. Why are you still talking about it?”

We are so quick to move on from others’ pain because it makes us uncomfortable. We don’t want to deal with it. We have other things to think about, do, and feel. We get done with other’s pain and loss so much quicker than we ought and then we expect them to do the same.

As we were grieving together yesterday, I brought up how some people have asked me (as I have mentioned before) about whether or not we are going to have another baby. It is as though people think we could replace our littlest one and then the pain would be lessened, and we could move on.

My husband said, “No. The jersey is retired. We felt we were supposed to have four children and we do. Our family is complete.” Complete.

Our Family is Complete

We talked about what (she) might be like now, what color and type of hair we think (she) might have had by now, and what things (she) would probably like to do. We talked about how (she) would probably sing (her) way through the day like our others did at 3-years-old and how (she) would probably want to dress just like (her) VERY cool big sister.

My husband reassured me that it is not strange to miss someone you never really met. I got to see (her) heartbeat and we got a picture of (her), so I know (she’s) real. The pain from the D&C and the first time we heard (she) no longer had a heartbeat are still real… When I think of those things, my heartbeat quickens, and I start to lose my breath. Loss.

How can our family be complete in the midst of loss? Because (she) still exists. People are eternal beings. (She) was created. (She) lived on earth, protected just under my heart. (She) died in her tiny earthly body, but (she) is eternal. Someday we will see (her). I don’t know how old (she) will be or any of the details, but I am very much looking forward to seeing our little puzzle piece. You know… the one who completes the puzzle?  The puzzle isn’t finished until the last piece is put in its place.

So, no, my sisters, (she) cannot be replaced. (Her) jersey is retired. If God gave us another one (which at nearing 42 I think I’m quite settled just as we are anyway) that little one would be #5 not #4.

If you are blessed with another little life… remember people may say you “only” have 1 or 2 or 3, but in your heart you will know to +1 to the number they say… because that little jersey is retired and your team will be complete when God says it is not when others think it should be.

My Prayer for you:

My prayer for you is “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

A Prayer You Could Pray:

Dear Jesus, I don’t want anyone to replace our little one. I am sad and I trust You with whoever you will bring into our lives. Thank you for our littlest one and I pray for grace when people say thoughtless things. Please give me hope that covers this pain so despair and depression don’t take over. Thank you that You love me, and You love my little one. In Jesus’ Name, Amen

Things to Ponder, Pray and Journal:

• What questions do you have for God about what is to come and how you feel about what is next in your life?
• What is something you are hopeful about?
• Who is someone in your life who could use some hopeful and encouraging words today? Maybe you could give that person some flower seeds or bulbs… in hope of what they will later become.

Day 20 – 2 Years

Today was our littlest one’s due date. Though the baby probably would’ve been born at 40+1 (40 weeks + 1 day) like our other 3, this date is still hard. We would’ve been celebrating a 2nd birthday this weekend. So far, the date we lost the baby is still harder because of the physically painful memories. However, thinking of what today would’ve looked like still stung.

My husband took me to lunch and to our baby’s memorial site to celebrate what is to come. Because of our hope in Jesus, we trust we will see (her) when we get to be with Jesus, too. For now, we know (she) isn’t in pain… no toothaches from molars growing in, no tantrums from being told “no,” and no scraped knees. (She’s) totally protected. What a mysterious gift in the midst of loss. It’s such good perspective to think about what (she’s) not dealing with today.

Discomfort

Something good about our memorial site is that it’s hard to get to. It’s not a shrine in our home, though we do have keepsakes to remind us of (her). I have a friend who lost her young daughter to cancer and she has a shrine in her home to remind her other children of their sister and a place to go to look at pictures of her. It’s different when losing a child to miscarriage. I can’t picture (her) face, but I feel the ache in my arms when I think of what it would be like to carry (her) and the ache in my hand thinking of (her) little hand in mine.

Getting to our special place takes physical effort and work. I often get hurt, scraped up hands and knees. The discomfort of getting to the spot is a physical symbol of the emotional discomfort I feel in thinking about the hard things and missing our little one. It makes me uneasy to think of going there, it makes me uneasy to be there, and it makes me uneasy to leave that place. I usually linger a few more moments, wanting to savor the moments there knowing it will be another year before returning. There’s nothing in that place of (hers). It’s like a graveyard. There are no souls there, but it’s a place of memory and longing for what’s to come, for being with (her).

I don’t know how long ago you lost your loved one or how you are feeling today. I do know you aren’t alone in your sadness and that there are important days to just give full vent to mourning. There are some who are haunted by the loss of their loved one(s) and it’s within that loss that they’ve chosen to define their identity. They feel like if there is one special day when that person isn’t mentioned, they are dishonoring that person’s memory.

Honesty about missing and mourning our loved ones is key to continuing to heal, but our sweet one isn’t sitting around on a cloud sad and waiting for us to mention them. Our little one probably has better things to do! Days like today are for our healing, our little one is already healed!

Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words. 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

My Prayer for you:

My prayer for you is for continued healing, to have the support you need, and days that are set apart for giving full vent to your sadness and disappointment.

A Prayer You Could Pray:

Dear Jesus, it still hurts. Please continue to heal me and show me people who need Your hope in the midst of loss. I trust You. In Jesus’ name, Amen

Things to Ponder, Pray and Journal:

• What would a day (or even part of a day) set apart for mourning your loved one look like for you? When can you put that on your schedule?
• What are your feelings toward and about God right now? Are you starting to surrender this pain and loss to Him? If not, what is hindering you?
• Are you starting to let Him use your loss to comfort others, yet? Who is the one who needs your story and comfort today? Contact her and help her start healing, too!

Day 19 – My Grieving Mentor

It seems like most of my life I have wanted a mentor. One amazing woman who poured her life and wisdom into me once reminded me (confirming what my husband said) no one person can mentor you in everything.

Throughout my life, God has brought me mentors for different areas of my life.

I had a prayer mentor who started teaching me the importance of prayer when I was just a toddler.

I had a life mentor I respected but didn’t listen to when I was a young adult. If I’d listened to her wisdom and spent more time with her, I would have avoided much heartache and pain.

I had a youth ministry mentor who taught me the basics of the ministry then sent me out to do it with his full support and blessing.

I had a precious mentor who taught me about being a woman in ministry, marriage, parenting and growing closer to God through the Holy Spirit.

I had a Bible study mentor who taught me the importance of meeting with other women to study the Word together.

I had a mama mentor who let me be with her in the hospital the day her baby girl was born. She also asked me to help her overnight when her husband was out of town and I got to take the night shift in caring for her little one so she could sleep. I’d never been with a newborn before and it was amazing training. I got to babysit her littles when she didn’t trust others to do it and it prepared me to be a better mama. I remember my arms aching when I’d put those little ones to bed. It was an emotional ache because it was before my “bigs” were born, but it was also physical, because my body wasn’t used to carrying around little humans all the time.

There are many more mentors I could list, but my Bright Shining Starr is highlighted in heart tonight.

Tonight, as I prepare for the 2 year anniversary of losing our littlest one, I am so grateful for the woman who gave me these gorgeous flowers accompanied by a tender card and blessings and prayers and hugs. She lost the love of her life 9 years ago and we are connected because our anniversary/memorial dates are 1 day apart. We have only known each other for just over a year and, yet, God has taught me SO much through this precious one and her grieving journey.

“Some days are harder than others” she told me, “Some years I remember things not as clearly and tenderly than others.” She often talks about her husband and their life together and always with longing. I admire her authenticity with me and honesty. She tells me that I can only be me and grieve the way I need to, trusting God to be with me through it. She assured me that it’s ok and good that I still mourn my baby even through it’s been 2 years and I never got to hold (her). For the last 2 weeks she has been asking “how is your heart?” What good training and mentoring. One of the best gifts of this year has been God giving me this woman to help me walk through this loss. What a gift she is. I want to be a gift like that to others.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Psalm 34:18

My Prayer for you:

My prayer is that we would be able to walk others through their grieving processes with this kind of grace. I pray God will bring you a grieving mentor, too.

A Prayer You Could Pray:

Dear Jesus, I am still grieving and I need Your comfort. Please send it through Your Word, Your Church, and someone who understands how I feel and can love me through this time. In Jesus’ Name, Amen

Things to Ponder, Pray and Journal:

• Who is someone who has lost a loved one that you can go to for wisdom and guidance?
• How do you want God to comfort you in this time?
• Is there already someone in your life who needs you to be a grieving mentor for them? If so, call her/him today. If not, be on the lookout… God wants to use this pain for His glory, dear one.

Day 17 – An Anchor of Hope

A year ago today we found out our baby’s heart stopped beating at 8 weeks. We prayed for God to bring (her) back, but He chose not to. He knows best and, even when it hurts and we are sad, we must trust Him.  We must have HOPE.

If you’ve read the other devotionals, you know that my husband takes very good care of me and the 3 kiddos you can see.  Today could have been a terrible, awful, no good, very bad day, but my gallant and gentle husband made sure that was NOT the case.

He started my day with a kiss on my forehead on his way to meet with a friend.  He left a little black box on my nightstand with these super cute earrings in it.

He later read the Scripture to me that the gift was based on.

So God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us.  This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary.  Jesus has already gone in there for us.   Hebrews 6:18-20a

I have hope.

I have hope because I trust God is taking care of our littlest one and that we will see (her) again in eternity. I have hope because I have seen Him work in my life and in others’ lives and I know He is trustworthy. It does me no good to live a hopeless, selfish life. There is so much more to life than just sitting around being sad and wishing things were different.

We are in a really tough season of waiting. We feel very much like we are in the wilderness. God is still providing, our marriage is strong, and the “3 You Can See” are all strong, healthy, growing in their faith. We get to be involved in a cool, healthy ministry together and be with people who love and believe in us. We are just waiting for the next step to be illuminated in front of us. As we wait, we trust God for each day and what He has for us there.

Today my faithful husband spent the day making sure I was taken care of, feeling loved and known.  He took me to our favorite coffee shop and got me a beignet.  (It reminded us of when he swept me off my feet for our 10-year anniversary and took me to New Orleans!)

We did some work together then went on a mystery lunch where we drove until we found a restaurant we’d not been to and enjoyed the drive and meal together. We rested with our big 3 then went out to dinner together. It was such a sweet time together.

As the day went on, a few of my sweet friends checked in on me and I got some front porch surprises throughout the day. I felt so loved that they were concerned about me. After a year of mourning and processing, it’s very cool to have friends who know me well enough to know to check in on me.  I don’t feel let down by anyone who didn’t acknowledge our loss because I didn’t talk about it with very many people. I know that all I really need to get through this sadness is God, His hope, the husband and children He’s given me, but my friends are a definite bonus and gift! They gave me great insight about how to love others when they are mourning and when they are celebrating life!

Tomorrow is a new day and there is HOPE there. For now, I know I can trust that God loves me, loves you, and will comfort us so we can comfort others (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

My Prayer for you:

My prayer is that the Hope of Christ would get you through tough days and turn them into celebrations!

A Prayer you Could Pray:

Dear Jesus, I need Your hope.  I need to know you will use this pain and loss for Your glory and for something good in my life.  You are my hope.  In Your name, Amen

 Things to Ponder, Pray, and Journal about:

• What can you do to plant seeds of hope in someone else’s sadness?
• What areas of your life with Jesus are you still holding back from Him?  What can you do to surrender those areas to Him?

Thoughtful Gifts and Acts for a Grieving Family

Some of my favorite, thoughtful gifts during our grieving season were:

• The Sneaky Sneak Meal – The first day we found out the baby’s heart wasn’t beating we got a text about a meal on the doorstep from a dear friend who just decided it’s what we needed and didn’t even ask… she just knew… amazing.  Thoughtful.
• Personal Messages – A tearful voicemail from my sister-in-love saying how sad she was for us and that she was praying for us.
• Growing Life and Cheesecake – A beautiful plant (that is STILL alive) and a plate of various cheesecake pieces. Our sweet tia (auntie) hermana (sister) brought us this gift.  It is super meaningful for 2 reasons (1) a growing plant doesn’t die as quickly as a cut flower… important consideration when someone has just died, and (2) it’s tradition for Tia to bring cheesecake to our home, so it was automatic comfort food.  Thoughtful.
• Ice Cream – Our sweet friends dropped off some DQ Blizzards late one evening (after kid-bedtime), two different flavors so we could choose our favorite.  Thoughtful.
• Baby Memento – My Lara Necklace (See “Be Like Lara” for details).  Thoughtful.
• Gift Cards – We got gift cards in the mail, on our doorstep, and in person.  They were mostly for restaurants, but also for a date nights and romantic getaway (and, sister, we needed to get away!). Thoughtful.
• Cards – Most of the cards had few words on them with lots of tenderness.  Thoughtful.

There were quite a few other gifts we received, but the above stick out to me still.  The most painful “gift” was silence.  We did need the time alone as a family, but giving us silence instead of intentional, thoughtful serving was hurtful from people we actively served.

I learned so much about those I love and their comfort levels and how they would like to be served during times of sadness.  I want to know people well enough to know they need (and when they need) a meal dropped on their porch or a “thinking of you” text.  I hope this list helps you be intentional in building deeper friendships and relationships so that when hard times come, you’ll know what to give and when.

Thanks to my loved ones who are still loving me still through this hard time!

Day 13 – Taking a Step Forward

When I was in the thick of losing our baby, one of my closest friends challenged me to do a Bible study with her. I avoided it like the plague. I was reading the Bible and praying, but I was SO angry at God and confused, I didn’t want to do an in-depth study. I love to study and teach the Bible, but I just couldn’t wrap my mind around reading and studying a chapter a day at that point in the mourning.

Then my truth-telling, loving husband called me out. He knew exactly what I needed to help me over the hump and out of the slump. I needed to start ingesting the Word like popcorn during a good movie or a good steak fresh off the grill.  I needed fresh perspective. So, I did it.

I don’t know if you are reading the Bible and praying right now. I don’t know if you feel like spending time with God is even worth it right now, but, sweet sister, I know it is what pulled me out of that pit I was sinking in.

I accepted the challenge and studied through the book of Matthew. It was SO fun. I have done in-depth studies before and even color coding, but there is just something different about the way these ladies approach their time with God. I am going to tell you how I do it, but PLEASE look into their website on your own and do research about which Bible study approach will work best for you in your schedule.  There are so many great resources (www.shereadstruth.com, www.bible.com, www.lproof.org) out there right now and whichever one you choose, I believe it will help you heal.

The closer you cuddle into Jesus right now, the more distinctly you’ll recognize His whispers from the messages of discouragement and despair you are getting everywhere else – even from yourself.

I am studying with Women Living Well and Good Morning Girls right now. It’s the same ministry lead by Courtney Joseph. She adds more to the daily study time than I do, so PLEASE look up the website(s) and tailor your study time to what you need right now. The coolest thing about this Bible study approach is that you can do it with any book of the Bible. I am currently working through the book of Acts with my sister-in-love and LOVING it. I am gaining so much from it.  Here’s what I do each day:

• Grab my journal, pen, and Bible and find a cozy (but not too cozy) place to sit
• Start my time journalling a prayer to God to get my mind fixed on Him.  I start by praising Him for who He is, then thank Him for something specific, then confess my sins and ask His forgiveness – yes, I try to be as detailed as possible.  I don’t want anything in the way of good communication between us.  Then I pray prayers of petition (asking for things my family and I need) and intercession (praying on others’ behalf).
• Write down the Scripture passage “title” I’ll be studying that day (i.e. Acts 3) and crack open God’s Love Letter, the Bible and get out my twistable crayons… so fun!
• Use Courtney Joseph’s Color Coding to work through the Scripture passage for the day. You can see my version (everyone’s version is different) of Acts 1 in the picture at the beginning of this post.

Pull out my journal again and go through the S.O.A.K. Bible Study Method:

S – The S stands for Scripture – Write out one Scripture verse or passage that stood out to you as you were reading and color coding.

O – The O stands for Observation – Write an observation about that Scripture verse or passage (You can use great tools like Bible dictionaries to look up words or commentaries to get extra insight here.).

A – The A stands for Application – Write out an application of the observation into your own life.  This usually turns back into prayer for me…

K – The K stands for Kneeling in Prayer – Respond to what you’ve read by talking directly to God about it.

You may be thinking you aren’t ready for in-depth Bible study, but, sweet sister, please take my challenge and just do it. Make time with God a priority no matter how you feel. Healing comes only from One place, He says “I am the Lord who heals you.” (Exodus 15:26c)

My Prayer for you:

My prayer for all of us is that we won’t deny ourselves healing by turning our backs on the Healer. May we not let our little one’s lives be lost in vain, but use our grief to draw us ever closer to Jesus and to comforting others in their pain.

A Prayer you Could Pray:

Dear Jesus, I want healing, but I don’t want to forget my baby. Will you please heal me and still keep my little one in my heart? Please show me how to lean into You and grow closer to You in the midst of this pain and sadness. In Jesus’ Name, Amen

Things to Ponder, Pray, and Journal About:

• What are you going to do to get (or stay) closer to Jesus? What will you study in the Bible? How will you pray (journal, aloud, silently, through creative arts)?
• Who is someone who will truthfully, lovingly hold you accountable to spending time with God?
• What do you feel like God is speaking to your heart or mind today? How will you respond?

Follow Up Post (4.15.2020):  I finished. It took me 5 years, but I finished coloring through my entire Bible.  It has been an amazing journey and I’ve learned so much. There is a pang about the time I started this, but there’s a sweet closure to it, as well. I would highly recommend studying the Bible this way, sisters.  It keeps your eyes on Jesus throughout all of the mourning and painful moments as well as the every day happenings and celebrations.

Day 7 – Reminders

The first period.  It’s been a few months since the first “normal” period after losing the baby, but I was thinking about it today in mental preparation for my next one ;).  It was so sad.  It was a relief, because even while I was pregnant with #4, I told my husband and a dear friend that no matter what happens, we have our four and I don’t believe we’ll be having more.  Each period is difficult and will probably be difficult until after the due date, but there is a bit of relief and closure each time.  There are 9-10 months when you aren’t supposed to have a period so each one is uniquely sad.  What a weird, unexpected part of mourning a lost child.  A monthly reminder that I don’t get to hold and kiss that baby on this earth.

Our dear friends had their baby shower a few weeks ago and it was an honor to be part of such an unassuming, relaxing celebration of their baby.  Making the gift for that little one was one of my big joys this year.  I love that baby’s parents so deeply that my joy and love for the life of that baby overflowed into my gift.  The DIY mobile was tenderly received and it seems like something that will bless them.  It’s fun because I was able to use part of my babies’ mobile to make it for their mobile.

I was surrounded by ladies I adore at this shower and savoring each moment during this season of transition and loss.  I have significant memories with each of those women (including the mama and daddy of that blessed baby) so it was a tender time for me.  It was also a little tender because their sweet one is due 2 weeks before ours was.  I am so excited for them and will continue to pray prayers of blessing and protection over them.

It seems to be getting easier… this loss thing, but I can feel September 15^th, the due date, creeping up.  We’re in the thick of enjoying summer, so most of the time I’m way too busy with slip-n-slide parties, early morning cuddles, birthday parties, and dentist appointments to notice the sadness.

It is important that I have reminders of the baby around like you’ll read about in other blog posts, but sometimes they still bring the pang of loss instead of the celebration of our baby’s life.  The Mother’s Day handprint picture, the necklace from my friend, the pending due date, baby showers, holding my precious nephew, and all of them remind me of our child.

It’s easy as time goes on to play like I only have 3 children and that the pain and loss and suffering of February is gone with the snow. But we live in Colorado and I know the snow and clouds will be coming again and I want to prepare for them as sweet reminders not just be surprised by my out of the blue tears and sadness.

Reminders All Around

Just like there are reminders of our baby all around me, there are reminders of God and His power, love, and creativity all around me.  I want to celebrate life not be drowned by its unexpected sadness.  I want to FEEL DEEPLY about all the gifts God’s given me even the ones He’s taken back for safe keeping.

Just like I am “without excuse” for pretending losing my baby didn’t happen and that I should be CELEBRATING (her) life, we are ALL without excuse for not seeing God and His work all around us.  Maybe when we start to feel like we are forgetting our little one, we should stop and praise God for that baby and spend some time with Him and all the reminders He’s given us of Himself and His presence with us.

“For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.”  Romans 1:20

My Prayer for you:

My prayer for all of us is that our reminders will prompt us to pray and praise instead of stepping back into sorrow and discouragement.

A Prayer you Could Pray:

Dear Jesus, please help me to celebrate the life of my child and be reminded You are with me no matter how I am feeling.  Thank you for Your reminders of Yourself and my baby in my life.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen

Things to Ponder, Pray, and Journal About:

• What is a reminder you have of your baby’s life?
• Who is someone who needs a reminder that s/he is loved and not alone today?  Connect with that person in some way today (note, call, text, Facebook Message, ANY way that would encourage that person).
• What is a reminder you can see RIGHT NOW of God’s presence in your life?  (His creativity, a tree out your window, a bird singing, etc.)

Day 4 – Celebrating Others’ Babies?

I choose to celebrate with others as they celebrate.  Especially babies.

Written a week after the D & C:

“My sweet sister-in-law is very pregnant and our other sister-in-law, our mother-in-law, my niece, my daughter and I threw her a baby shower… 2 days ago.

A friend said, “How can you possibly do that?  Won’t it be too hard?”  Not this time.

My sister-in-law lost a baby last year and she totally understands how I feel.  She has celebrated each of our 3 children’s births and mourned deeply with me over our 4^th.  We rejoice and mourn together.  The shower was PERFECT.  It was such an honor to be there, to decorate, play games, talk about being a mama and new baby things, to pray over her and encourage her as the wonderful mama she already is.

Yes, I choose to celebrate and rejoice.  I choose life. 

My baby is alive in Christ and in the arms of the One who loves that baby and my niece or nephew more than we ever could.  We will honor Him in this life by honoring the lives He’s given us to love, nurture and train.  And my daughter saw each moment of it.  She mourned and celebrated and learned.  Nothing swept under the rug there.  Just real life.  Chosen Life.”

Now the Update:

The shower was perfectly timed.  Our nephew arrived 5 WEEKS EARLY!  The week after the baby shower he decided to join the party early.  He’s adorable and totally perfect!  He’s healthy and strong and everything is going well.  I am so glad I didn’t decide to throw myself a pity party instead of celebrating my sweet sister-in-love and my enthusiastic nephew!

Celebrating others’ joys and accomplishments is part of the grieving process.  Being able to be with them in their joy and let the tinges of sadness come and go is important.  Our pain during those times lets us know we are still honoring our children while going forward in the relationships God’s given us here on earth.

7-years-later update:

Last year I realized that I never look at my sweet nephew and think how sad I am that I lost our little one about the same time he arrived. I never look at my sister-in-law with envy that she has hers and I don’t have mine. God’s grace totally swept over me during that time so long ago and I see both my nephew’s life and our baby’s life as a miracle. God knew what He was doing then and He still knows what He is doing. My nephew will be seven in a month and I rejoice over his life, giving thanks for what God has done.

I’ve gone to so many baby showers and little kid birthday parties in the last seven years. Sometimes there’s a twinge, but then I’m washed with gratefulness and peace. God is bigger than what we understand about time and “reality.” He created us to honor Him and celebrate the life He’s given us not mourn the one we thought we’d have. So, let’s celebrate, friend. Every chance we get. Let’s celebrate and, in doing so, we’ll honor God!

My Prayer for you:

My prayer for you is that you be like Moses and choose life for yourself and to encourage others to choose life.  You can read Moses’ challenge in Deuteronomy 30:19

A Prayer you Could Pray:

Dear Lord, I want to choose life.  I am so hurt by the death of my baby, but I want to live the life you’ve given me to the fullest.  Please help me celebrate others’ lives even when it hurts.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen

Things to Ponder, Journal, and Pray about:

• Who is someone in your life who needs you to celebrate with them?  How can you make them feel special today?
• A celebration I think will be hard will be the birth of a friend’s child who is due a week before our baby was due.  What is a celebration that might be hard for you and your family?  What can you do to make that celebration extra special for that person in honor of your baby’s life?
• Talk to God honestly about your sadness and grief about the things you won’t be able to celebrate with this baby and about any jealousy or envy you feel about others’ celebrations.  He can heal all our hurts.