Today was our littlest one’s due date. Though the baby probably would’ve been born at 40+1 (40 weeks + 1 day) like our other 3, this date is still hard. We would’ve been celebrating a 2nd birthday this weekend. So far, the date we lost the baby is still harder because of the physically painful memories. However, thinking of what today would’ve looked like still stung.
My husband took me to lunch and to our baby’s memorial site to celebrate what is to come. Because of our hope in Jesus, we trust we will see (her) when we get to be with Jesus, too. For now, we know (she) isn’t in pain… no toothaches from molars growing in, no tantrums from being told “no,” and no scraped knees. (She’s) totally protected. What a mysterious gift in the midst of loss. It’s such good perspective to think about what (she’s) not dealing with today.
Discomfort
Something good about our memorial site is that it’s hard to get to. It’s not a shrine in our home, though we do have keepsakes to remind us of (her). I have a friend who lost her young daughter to cancer and she has a shrine in her home to remind her other children of their sister and a place to go to look at pictures of her. It’s different when losing a child to miscarriage. I can’t picture (her) face, but I feel the ache in my arms when I think of what it would be like to carry (her) and the ache in my hand thinking of (her) little hand in mine.
Getting to our special place takes physical effort and work. I often get hurt, scraped up hands and knees. The discomfort of getting to the spot is a physical symbol of the emotional discomfort I feel in thinking about the hard things and missing our little one. It makes me uneasy to think of going there, it makes me uneasy to be there, and it makes me uneasy to leave that place. I usually linger a few more moments, wanting to savor the moments there knowing it will be another year before returning. There’s nothing in that place of (hers). It’s like a graveyard. There are no souls there, but it’s a place of memory and longing for what’s to come, for being with (her).
I don’t know how long ago you lost your loved one or how you are feeling today. I do know you aren’t alone in your sadness and that there are important days to just give full vent to mourning. There are some who are haunted by the loss of their loved one(s) and it’s within that loss that they’ve chosen to define their identity. They feel like if there is one special day when that person isn’t mentioned, they are dishonoring that person’s memory.
Honesty about missing and mourning our loved ones is key to continuing to heal, but our sweet one isn’t sitting around on a cloud sad and waiting for us to mention them. Our little one probably has better things to do! Days like today are for our healing, our little one is already healed!
Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words. 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18
My Prayer for you:
My prayer for you is for continued healing, to have the support you need, and days that are set apart for giving full vent to your sadness and disappointment.
A Prayer You Could Pray:
Dear Jesus, it still hurts. Please continue to heal me and show me people who need Your hope in the midst of loss. I trust You. In Jesus’ name, Amen
Things to Ponder, Pray and Journal:
- What would a day (or even part of a day) set apart for mourning your loved one look like for you? When can you put that on your schedule?
- What are your feelings toward and about God right now? Are you starting to surrender this pain and loss to Him? If not, what is hindering you?
- Are you starting to let Him use your loss to comfort others, yet? Who is the one who needs your story and comfort today? Contact her and help her start healing, too!
3 You Can See 