maple leaf illustrationA week from yesterday is our fourth baby’s Due Date.  I think I’ve been doing ok with it.  I find myself crying at bizarre and awkward times and at times that make total sense…

For instance, today I had to take our daughter to the doctor’s office for an appointment.  It’s the same clinic I went to for our 1st ultrasound of our 4th baby to make sure everything was ok and I got to hear that little heartbeat and see that little body for the first and only time.  It’s the same clinic my husband went with me to our 1st official baby appointment where we found that (her) heart wasn’t beating… and then again later that week when it was confirmed.  It’s the same clinic where I went for the D&C procedure.  Every time I’ve had to go back there, it stings.

Today, arm in arm with my bouncing tween daughter, I had to walk past the ultrasound office, the ambulatory office, and held it all in.  I got teary and had flashbacks, but I was so grateful that she was with me, really with me and not just in my heart.

My husband is planning to be with me all day next week on the Due Date.  I think he’s planning to distract me a little and that will be very welcomed.  We’ll have our almost 3-year-old with us so that will be a nice distraction, but I know it will be so hard.

Last week, I was cuddling with our oldest boy, and he started crying because he never got to see his youngest sibling.  It was out of nowhere, but so tender.  We’re all mourning and healing.

Our daughter longs for her (sister) and often is sad thinking of what might have been as a big sister to a little sister.  It makes her hug her brothers tighter lately… and I do the same.

We were given a sweet, precious gift that was taken too soon according to our timelines. The week before Valentine’s Day will be hard.  The time closest to the due date will be hard. I don’t know how long that will be the case. But I don’t want to rush past it and then get splashed in the face with it later like an unwelcome bucket of ice water you can’t control.  My friend told me I need to make sure to mourn when it’s time to mourn, though I might not know the exact time and I need to give myself grace.

So, my calendar is marked “PLAN NOTHING” on our baby’s due date and I will celebrate that little life with tears and hugs and probably chocolate… maybe Chipotle rice and chips.

I want to savor and be grateful for this hideously awful season and move on to a place of peace and healing.  I am reminded of the times and seasons for things in Ecclesiastes 3:

For everything there is a season,
    a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
    A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
    A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
    A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
    A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
    A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
    A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
    A time for war and a time for peace.

My Prayer for you:

My prayer for all of us is that we won’t miss the chance to grieve when we are moved and free to grieve and celebrate when we are moved and free to celebrate.  I love you, dear sister, and I grieve for and with you today.

A Prayer you Could Pray:

Dear Jesus, I don’t like the due date and loss date reminders. I need your special grace and these days. Please show me how to grieve appropriately and in a way that honors You. Please give me special grace for others on these days, too.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen

Things to Ponder, Pray, and Journal About:

  • What are hard dates for you?
  • What is something you could do for someone else on those hard dates?
  • What is a way you could honor God in your grieving on those hard dates?

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