Today is the first Mother’s Day after losing our baby. 3 months ago about to the day, I found out that our baby died in my womb.
Today was a crazy day. Busy, relaxing, fun, and sad.
I wore my gorgeous necklace my friend Lara made me to honor the baby (see Day 5, if you haven’t read it to get some inspiration).
A handful of friends checked in on me this morning about how I am doing. I was so busy with getting everything ready for the day and a transportation hiccup this morning, that, though I thought about the baby enough to put the necklace on, I wasn’t consumed with sadness missing (her… before we lost the baby, I had dreams she was a girl, but we won’t know until heaven).
Savor the sweet moments
I was busy getting my other 3 ready and trying to look nice enough for the inevitable pictures to be taken on special days. Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and other holidays are not the same for people in ministry. Sundays aren’t the same – they aren’t days of rest. I celebrate and enjoy them and savor the sweet moments, but so much of my time is making sure others are served and blessed on days like today that mourning and emoting aren’t really an option. That can be a good thing, but, eventually, it wells up and overflows. I usually just hope it happens at a convenient time :).
There are so many precious women in my life and these are some of the pains they were feeling today:
- grieving and sharing about an abortion and finally feeling forgiven (after 10 years),
- grieving the loss of a mother who passed away less than a month ago,
- grieving the loss of babies in the womb (5, I think),
- grieving the loss of babies and young children (3),
- grieving the loss of a close relationship with a child turning now choosing rebellion and distance (3),
- grieving a negative pregnancy test this morning after trying for a few years to conceive,
- grieving the loss of a mother a few years ago (3+),
- grieving the loss of a mother a few months ago and not being able to be with her children and grandchildren due to the wacky weather, and
- 1st Mother’s Day having two babies but lost one within the first 3 months (due next November).
I know that Mother’s Day is a great day to celebrate mamas who are under celebrated and under-appreciated. I am NOT that mama. My husband and my kids take great care of me. I’m not an entitled kind of person. I don’t demand breakfast in bed, a manicure, or time alone. I don’t think celebrating Mother’s Day without my children and getting a break from them sounds like ANY fun at all. I would rather have them surrounding me and fighting over who gets my lap and having some extra time together. I am that kind of mama. I’m just sad that our little one who could have been along for the ride with us next Mother’s Day won’t be. I’m a little sad that I had so much lap to fight over and not the large and growing bump that I would have had.
The one thing I asked for this Mother’s Day was my kiddo hands picture framed and my husband did a GREAT job with it. The picture doesn’t do it justice.
I also got a card from my mom and dad that had pictures of the big 3 and the ultrasound picture from #4 that was really sweet. It said “There’s room in your heart for all of your children.” She gave it to me away from everyone else and it was a tender moment together. She totally gets the sting of Mother’s Day having lost 5 of her own through miscarriage. I’m the only one of “us” to celebrate her on earth. Sadly, I don’t do a very good job of making her feel special most of the time, because I am busy tending to my own, but I did make her a flower made out of mini muffins today because it’s something I can do. She called me the “Mother’s Day Fairy” because I snuck it into her room without her hearing or seeing me. That’s my favorite way to give gifts… sneaky and silent like a spy.
Today I choose to celebrate my mama, my sweet mother-in-love, my sisters-in-love who are learning to be good mamas along with me, my close friends who are great mamas and fight for their children, my superhero husband who empowers me to be a good mama, and my 4 amazing children. 4.
SO – no matter where you are in this journey of loss and sadness, there will be harder days and easier days and from now on, there will be a little bit of a sting on Mother’s Day. Sometimes the sting will feel like you just lost a sword fight and sometimes it will feel like a wasp sting, but you are still a mama. You are still worth celebrating and your pain and loss are still precious to your Lord. So, with your King, sweet mama, I wish you a peaceful and restful Mother’s Day.
“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm 56:8
My Prayer for you:
My prayer for all of us is that we savor the sweet moments even on hard days.
A Prayer you Could Pray:
Dear Lord, I want to savor the sweet moments, but days like today sting. Please be with me during the hurting times and give me gentle reminders to make those You’ve given me to love here and now a priority. In Jesus’ Name, Amen
Things to Ponder, Journal, and Pray about:
- Who is a mom that you respect and why?
- Holidays can be really hard, what is one way you can prepare for the next difficult holiday?
- Talk to God honestly about your feelings about Mother’s Day.