This Christmas was sparkling and wonderful.  It was also very tender.  My husband and I found ourselves clinging to each other in tears a couple times this season longing for our littlest one.  There were a few especially hard moments. I’ll tell you about some of them, but some I’m treasuring in my heart. Here are a few of the hard moments from this Christmas:

As I was pulling out the stockings to prepare to decorate for Christmas, I found a blank stocking waiting to be personalized with our baby’s name. I found out I was pregnant just after Christmas, so I got an extra stocking to be ready for this year. Sometimes being prepared has backlash consequences. Things don’t always turn out the way you expect them to. I wasn’t expecting to see the extra stocking. I forgot it was there and then to protect my husband and the kids, I hid it quickly and told my husband about it later. I didn’t want to let our loss taint any more of our celebrations, but there were other things that came up I hadn’t prepared myself for, as well.

I honestly had no way to be ready for what it would be like without our littlest one this Christmas.

As I put out the Nativity scene collection, I couldn’t help but put baby Jesus in Mary’s arms in our Precious Moments set. When I got out the kids’ ornaments, I was stingingly aware that there would not be a pink 1st Christmas ornament for this little one.

I didn’t have to bundle a little one up for our Christmas light drive. I didn’t have my 3-month-old to quiet down during the candlelight service. I walked into the mall empty handed behind the other 3 hanging on Daddy for our annual consumerism v. contentment awareness trip.

And yet…

It was a wonderful Christmas. I loved our Christmas morning carolers (our kids wake us up by singing Christmas carols on Christmas morning) and long-awaited gift-giving. Our littlest gift will remain a surprise until we can hold (her) in our arms in Jesus’ presence.  Until then, my arms ache a bit and my heart hurts.  I’ll cuddle my stuffed Baby Bear tonight and be homesick for my baby.

I don’t know what your first Christmas without your little one was (or will be) like, but…

My Prayer for you:

May you have beautiful distractions and moments of tender remembrance of your little one.  May Jesus be as close as the air you breathe.  May you breathe in His grace and breathe out His praise no matter how you are feeling.

A Prayer you Could Pray:

Dear Jesus, Seeing Mary holding You in all the Nativity sets makes me miss my little one.  I know You are holding that child and so I’ll rest in the fact that You know best and love that little one even more than I do.  But please be near me, Lord Jesus, I ask Thee to stay close by me forever and ever I pray.  Bless all the dear children in Thy tender care and take me to Heaven to live with You… and my baby… there.  In Your time and in Your name, Amen

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.”  John 14:1-3

“But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.” Luke 2:19

Things to Ponder, Pray, and Journal about:

  • What is a Christmas tradition you will miss doing with your child?
  • Who is someone who needs a little Christmas blessing from you with a warm hug and a few moments set aside to listen to how she’s really doing?
  • What is a Christmas gift you could give Jesus in honor of your child this year? (a donation to an orphanage or adoption agency, a visit to a Children’s Hospital, Operation Christmas Child box, etc)