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Today our littlest one would have been 3-years-old if (she) had been born on (her) due date {which would have more likely have been tomorrow since my other 3 were all 40+1}. My husband and I took a couple hours to mourn together in our special place yesterday. It stings less, but it still stings…. 3. Years. Later.

It is like the 3rd day after you have scraped your knee and you don’t need a band-aid anymore, but you forget you are hurt and you bend down to grab something and you break open your scab and it stings again… even throbs. It’s healing. It’s better, but it’s still there. Still reminding me of the hurt.

I don’t mean to steal any hope from you ladies who are dealing with the loss of your little one more recently. Remember I have been mourning and processing for 3 years now. You may be reading this having been going through your grieving for a month or so or just a few weeks or even a year.

It’s a different kind of pain now. It’s not like a gushing wound you have to keep putting a fresh bandage on because it is bleeding so much. It’s not the throb of a concussion. It is now a healing scab. You can feel it, but you see it’s becoming more of a scar than an open wound.

I think most people would be surprised to know that we are still hurting over the loss of our little one. They would look at our owie and say, “It’s just a scrape. Why are you still talking about it?”

We are so quick to move on from others’ pain because it makes us uncomfortable. We don’t want to deal with it. We have other things to think about, do, and feel. We get done with other’s pain and loss so much quicker than we ought and then we expect them to do the same.

As we were grieving together yesterday, I brought up how some people have asked me (as I have mentioned before) about whether or not we are going to have another baby. It is as though people think we could replace our littlest one and then the pain would be lessened, and we could move on.

My husband said, “No. The jersey is retired. We felt we were supposed to have four children and we do. Our family is complete.” Complete.

Our Family is Complete

We talked about what (she) might be like now, what color and type of hair we think (she) might have had by now, and what things (she) would probably like to do. We talked about how (she) would probably sing (her) way through the day like our others did at 3-years-old and how (she) would probably want to dress just like (her) VERY cool big sister.

My husband reassured me that it is not strange to miss someone you never really met. I got to see (her) heartbeat and we got a picture of (her), so I know (she’s) real. The pain from the D&C and the first time we heard (she) no longer had a heartbeat are still real… When I think of those things, my heartbeat quickens, and I start to lose my breath. Loss.

How can our family be complete in the midst of loss? Because (she) still exists. People are eternal beings. (She) was created. (She) lived on earth, protected just under my heart. (She) died in her tiny earthly body, but (she) is eternal. Someday we will see (her). I don’t know how old (she) will be or any of the details, but I am very much looking forward to seeing our little puzzle piece. You know… the one who completes the puzzle?  The puzzle isn’t finished until the last piece is put in its place.

So, no, my sisters, (she) cannot be replaced. (Her) jersey is retired. If God gave us another one (which at nearing 42 I think I’m quite settled just as we are anyway) that little one would be #5 not #4.

If you are blessed with another little life… remember people may say you “only” have 1 or 2 or 3, but in your heart you will know to +1 to the number they say… because that little jersey is retired and your team will be complete when God says it is not when others think it should be.

My Prayer for you:

My prayer for you is “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

A Prayer You Could Pray:

Dear Jesus, I don’t want anyone to replace our little one. I am sad and I trust You with whoever you will bring into our lives. Thank you for our littlest one and I pray for grace when people say thoughtless things. Please give me hope that covers this pain so despair and depression don’t take over. Thank you that You love me, and You love my little one. In Jesus’ Name, Amen

Things to Ponder, Pray and Journal:

  • What questions do you have for God about what is to come and how you feel about what is next in your life?
  • What is something you are hopeful about?
  • Who is someone in your life who could use some hopeful and encouraging words today? Maybe you could give that person some flower seeds or bulbs… in hope of what they will later become.