The first period. It’s been a few months since the first “normal” period after losing the baby, but I was thinking about it today in mental preparation for my next one ;). It was so sad. It was a relief, because even while I was pregnant with #4, I told my husband and a dear friend that no matter what happens, we have our four and I don’t believe we’ll be having more. Each period is difficult and will probably be difficult until after the due date, but there is a bit of relief and closure each time. There are 9-10 months when you aren’t supposed to have a period so each one is uniquely sad. What a weird, unexpected part of mourning a lost child. A monthly reminder that I don’t get to hold and kiss that baby on this earth.
Our dear friends had their baby shower a few weeks ago and it was an honor to be part of such an unassuming, relaxing celebration of their baby. Making the gift for that little one was one of my big joys this year. I love that baby’s parents so deeply that my joy and love for the life of that baby overflowed into my gift. The DIY mobile was tenderly received and it seems like something that will bless them. It’s fun because I was able to use part of my babies’ mobile to make it for their mobile.
I was surrounded by ladies I adore at this shower and savoring each moment during this season of transition and loss. I have significant memories with each of those women (including the mama and daddy of that blessed baby) so it was a tender time for me. It was also a little tender because their sweet one is due 2 weeks before ours was. I am so excited for them and will continue to pray prayers of blessing and protection over them.
It seems to be getting easier… this loss thing, but I can feel September 15th, the due date, creeping up. We’re in the thick of enjoying summer, so most of the time I’m way too busy with slip-n-slide parties, early morning cuddles, birthday parties, and dentist appointments to notice the sadness.
It is important that I have reminders of the baby around like you’ll read about in other blog posts, but sometimes they still bring the pang of loss instead of the celebration of our baby’s life. The Mother’s Day handprint picture, the necklace from my friend, the pending due date, baby showers, holding my precious nephew, and all of them remind me of our child.
It’s easy as time goes on to play like I only have 3 children and that the pain and loss and suffering of February is gone with the snow. But we live in Colorado and I know the snow and clouds will be coming again and I want to prepare for them as sweet reminders not just be surprised by my out of the blue tears and sadness.
Reminders All Around
Just like there are reminders of our baby all around me, there are reminders of God and His power, love, and creativity all around me. I want to celebrate life not be drowned by its unexpected sadness. I want to FEEL DEEPLY about all the gifts God’s given me even the ones He’s taken back for safe keeping.
Just like I am “without excuse” for pretending losing my baby didn’t happen and that I should be CELEBRATING (her) life, we are ALL without excuse for not seeing God and His work all around us. Maybe when we start to feel like we are forgetting our little one, we should stop and praise God for that baby and spend some time with Him and all the reminders He’s given us of Himself and His presence with us.
“For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.” Romans 1:20
My Prayer for you:
My prayer for all of us is that our reminders will prompt us to pray and praise instead of stepping back into sorrow and discouragement.
A Prayer you Could Pray:
Dear Jesus, please help me to celebrate the life of my child and be reminded You are with me no matter how I am feeling. Thank you for Your reminders of Yourself and my baby in my life. In Jesus’ Name, Amen
Things to Ponder, Journal, and Pray About:
- What is a reminder you have of your baby’s life?
- Who is someone who needs a reminder that s/he is loved and not alone today? Connect with that person in some way today (note, call, text, Facebook Message, ANY way that would encourage that person).
- What is a reminder you can see RIGHT NOW of God’s presence in your life? (His creativity, a tree out your window, a bird singing, etc.)