Day 4 – Celebrating Others’ Babies?

I choose to celebrate with others as they celebrate.  Especially babies.

Written a week after the D & C:

“My sweet sister-in-law is very pregnant and our other sister-in-law, our mother-in-law, my niece, my daughter and I threw her a baby shower… 2 days ago.

A friend said, “How can you possibly do that?  Won’t it be too hard?”  Not this time.

My sister-in-law lost a baby last year and she totally understands how I feel.  She has celebrated each of our 3 children’s births and mourned deeply with me over our 4^th.  We rejoice and mourn together.  The shower was PERFECT.  It was such an honor to be there, to decorate, play games, talk about being a mama and new baby things, to pray over her and encourage her as the wonderful mama she already is.

Yes, I choose to celebrate and rejoice.  I choose life. 

My baby is alive in Christ and in the arms of the One who loves that baby and my niece or nephew more than we ever could.  We will honor Him in this life by honoring the lives He’s given us to love, nurture and train.  And my daughter saw each moment of it.  She mourned and celebrated and learned.  Nothing swept under the rug there.  Just real life.  Chosen Life.”

Now the Update:

The shower was perfectly timed.  Our nephew arrived 5 WEEKS EARLY!  The week after the baby shower he decided to join the party early.  He’s adorable and totally perfect!  He’s healthy and strong and everything is going well.  I am so glad I didn’t decide to throw myself a pity party instead of celebrating my sweet sister-in-love and my enthusiastic nephew!

Celebrating others’ joys and accomplishments is part of the grieving process.  Being able to be with them in their joy and let the tinges of sadness come and go is important.  Our pain during those times lets us know we are still honoring our children while going forward in the relationships God’s given us here on earth.

7-years-later update:

Last year I realized that I never look at my sweet nephew and think how sad I am that I lost our little one about the same time he arrived. I never look at my sister-in-law with envy that she has hers and I don’t have mine. God’s grace totally swept over me during that time so long ago and I see both my nephew’s life and our baby’s life as a miracle. God knew what He was doing then and He still knows what He is doing. My nephew will be seven in a month and I rejoice over his life, giving thanks for what God has done.

I’ve gone to so many baby showers and little kid birthday parties in the last seven years. Sometimes there’s a twinge, but then I’m washed with gratefulness and peace. God is bigger than what we understand about time and “reality.” He created us to honor Him and celebrate the life He’s given us not mourn the one we thought we’d have. So, let’s celebrate, friend. Every chance we get. Let’s celebrate and, in doing so, we’ll honor God!

My Prayer for you:

My prayer for you is that you be like Moses and choose life for yourself and to encourage others to choose life.  You can read Moses’ challenge in Deuteronomy 30:19

A Prayer you Could Pray:

Dear Lord, I want to choose life.  I am so hurt by the death of my baby, but I want to live the life you’ve given me to the fullest.  Please help me celebrate others’ lives even when it hurts.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen

Things to Ponder, Journal, and Pray about:

• Who is someone in your life who needs you to celebrate with them?  How can you make them feel special today?
• A celebration I think will be hard will be the birth of a friend’s child who is due a week before our baby was due.  What is a celebration that might be hard for you and your family?  What can you do to make that celebration extra special for that person in honor of your baby’s life?
• Talk to God honestly about your sadness and grief about the things you won’t be able to celebrate with this baby and about any jealousy or envy you feel about others’ celebrations.  He can heal all our hurts.

Day 3 – Glimpses of Hope

There is a story in John 9:1-3 that I think applies to our sad circumstances…

“As Jesus was walking along, he saw a man who had been blind from birth.² “Rabbi,” his disciples asked him, “why was this man born blind? Was it because of his own sins or his parents’ sins?”

³ “It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,” Jesus answered. “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him.”

So that the power of God could be seen in him.  It was not his sins or his parents’ sins that caused his blindness.  It was so that the power of God could be seen in him.

What are those closest to you seeing in your loss?  Are they seeing the power of God in you?  I tell you what, sister, God’s power is NOT what my loved ones were seeing in me when I lost this baby.  They were seeing despair, sadness, confusion, loss of faith, grief, bitterness, and rebellion. It was all very quiet, but there was a battle going on inside me to continue to trust God.

I have been His since I gave Him my little heart when I was five and submitting to His leadership since I was 20.  I have fought Him on many things and have chosen to rebel against His plans and expectations too many times.  I almost fell back into those rebellious ways and almost gave way to a heart that was self-seeking instead of God honoring.

I needed time to mourn.  You know, real mourning where you sit there and start crying because you can’t help it?  Or you hear a date (due date perhaps or the date you were supposed to find out if you were having a boy or a girl) or a name you were thinking about naming the baby or really any other kind of trigger, and you are suddenly sad.  Sadness isn’t bad.  Anger isn’t bad.  It is what we DO with our sadness and anger that can be bad.

We must make the choice to use our sadness to help others who are sad and our anger to help others who are in pain.  It is when we make those kinds of choices that the power of God can be seen in us.

I got a glimpse of hope early on.  I knew I was going to pull out of the darkness when we were sitting in the doctor’s office for our last appointment to set up the D & C.  Across from us was a younger couple who were very anxious.  The wife was VERY much “with child” and I could tell she was due any day.  I didn’t even flinch and started asking her questions about when she was due and if she felt ready and the like.  My husband smiled and I knew I was getting back to my old self a bit.

I teared up when we parted realizing I wouldn’t be in her shoes – getting to see a baby ultrasound in a few moments.  But my joy for her was greater than my sorrow for myself.  That’s our goal.  We must move through our pain and back into joy for others or sorrow for them in their pain (Romans 12:15). God gave us each other and we need to give Him to others, no matter how we feel.

My Prayer for you:

My prayer for you is for a glimpse of hope and of purpose in this awful time.  I pray that the power of God may be seen in you even in our pain.

A Prayer you Could Pray:

Jesus, I need you.  I want Your power to be seen in me.  I want to be able to have rejoice and mourn with others in spite of my own pain and loss.  In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Things to Ponder, Journal and Pray about:

• Who is someone in your life that needs to see the power of God through you?  Make a plan to reach out to that person in the next couple of days. If you’re afraid you won’t do it, pick up your phone right now and contact them. What if no one stood with you when you needed a reminder of God’s power?
• Consider, honestly, if others can see the power of God in you.  Are you still under the cloud of pain or you letting Him shine through you in spite of your pain?  Remember that it is good to be sad and to fully mourn this baby. But consider if you are fighting God in this process or leaning on Him.
• What is something you are sad about missing in this life with your baby?  Brainstorm a couple ways you could honor your baby’s life even knowing you’ll miss out on that part on earth.